1. Always be late for rehearsals, to avoid setting-up. Donīt ever pick up your instrument, until requested. Never bring your sticks, always lose them !
2. Start with looking for out-of tune notes on your pan, and demonstrate them very loudly through the whole rehearsal.
3. Ask for a note stand, donīt ever try to look for it yourself. In case of the (awful) metallic foldable stand, never learn to unfold it. Have loud problems with your pan stands, too.
4. Finally, when you have your notestand ready, drop the sheet music on the floor. Even better if your neighbourīs stand collapses, the folder catch opens and all the sheets fly all over the stage. This is very effective during performances. Make sure that the pans and/or the notestand always slightly touch each other to get a nice rattling sound.
5. Never have the right sheet music. If you use tiny pieces of paper as notepads, forget them in your pockets before washing your clothes. "I left them here, but somebody has taken them". "Last time it surely was in my folder" is probably the best thing you can say.
6. If you are a player, be sure not to let your conductor know about the lack of your music sheets until the band has been playing several bars. If you are the conductor, never let the players know the name of the next piece of music you are about to play, but look in another direction, mumble some words that could mean any of your pieces, and start counting in. If most of the band happens to guess the piece of music, hurry up with counting in to drop the bassists. It also is very important to always change your tempo during count in, even better is to change it after a few beats, when the band has already started grooving.
7. Always (on the road, concerts, rehearsals, simply everywhere!) complain about something. Too hot , too much draft, light too bright, too dark, headache, you cannot hear the drums, the cowbell is too strong (and soon too weak). Maximum effect is obtained in situations in which you are not able to change the circumstances.
8. When you get orders, donīt listen. When cues are shown, look in another direction.
9. Always forget something. Your shirt is in the laundry, it was still wet when you left home, you have lost it, left it somewhere. If your band has several performing costumes, always differ from what was agreed upon. Be unique. If you have been fishing, or digging mud, why bother to change? Itīs only a gig!
10. It is nice to forget other instruments, too. On every occasion you can say, "When was that told? Why didnīt anybody tell ME!"
11. Make sure that everybody knows how much you have sacrificed to be able to play in the band. Your stay in the band is a personal favor, because without you the whole section would be lost.
12. Always intend to stop playing in the band, talk about it often, but never quit. Donīt be able to attend all rehearsals and gigs, just pick up the nicest ones. It is very easy to invent new unheard force majeureīs. (Grandma wants to play golf with me) (Of course there are real reasons for absence, too)
13. If you anyhow for some weird reason happen to be on a gig, remember to use word AGAIN as much as possible, and pronounce it as frustratedly as you can. This is very efficient when you have young inexperienced players with you. Spoil the feeling by telling how nice it was last time a couple of years ago. Now there is nothing worth looking forward to.
14. Make sure that the wrapping on your stick opens during the performance, donīt bother to have a spare stick. Donīt learn how to wrap, but put a puppy look on your face and show your unwrapped stick and wait until somebody comes and helps you.
15. Donīt forget to play on the out-of-tune note that you found in the first place. Shake your head while playing it. Even better if you get company in your head-shaking.
16. If there is a difficult run in your part, donīt bother to learn it. Get next to somebody who knows how to play it. Test the passage a couple of times just before the concert. Shake your head and ask your friend to play the part loudly. During performance on this passage play the two first notes, get mixed up and smile to another member of the group who has done the same thing.
17. Watch your watch. Shake it. Ask for the time. Wonder!
18. On passages that are strictly conducted, ask the conductor to show more clearly. When he does so, donīt look!
19. Donīt waste your time listening to others. Have your own correct tempo and phrasing. If there are changes made in the arrangement, always do it in the old way or like it is on the note sheet or on a record you have heard (and donīt forget to mention how good the arrangement on that recording is).
20. Make the arrangements better by inventing your own parts to them. Improvise on written pauses. Never stop playing. Make a nice bepop-out-of-scale-out-of-style-riff to every place even if not possible. Play mathematically right. Forget to groove!
21. Remember to play ALWAYS, even during the slightest pause in a rehearsal. When you play, play LOUD, and preferably PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS.
22. If you have something unclear, the best moment for questions is during count-in.
23. Start packing your personal things at least 15 minutes before the rehearsal ends, telling that you really have to go, and leave all your equipment as it is, except your stick. Hide your sticks in the most unusual place, so that you can start from point 1 again next time.
24. If you are on a gig, and you should be packing the bus, be sure to find an old friend to talk with. Let the others carry all the instruments. Even better: make some of your friends call on your cellular, and talk while trying to carry the things with one hand pretending you are busy working. (Finland is the home of Nokia phones, as you might know) When going to gig, use point 1 again.
25. During performances and during applause show a sour face. After the last note of the set start packing immediately. With fast and big gestures close your folder. Then you take your pan, and put it on the floor turning your back to the audience.
26. Try to argue with everybody. If you are feeling bad, try to make the others feel bad, too. Tell evil things about your friends behind their backs. Forget about humor and good feeling.
27. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT PLAYING IS AN UNPLEASANT DUTY. ANYBODY CAN PLAY, BUT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO.
28. Read the golden rules often, and add your own points to them.

Yours in Pan
Ari Viitanen